i would like to get an honest personal advice from people who might want to share their experience and thoughts with me. 

i find myself a very lucky person in life... i have been lucky with so many things. however, when it comes to relationships, men, i feel like i am the most unlucky person. i never had a long-term relationship, i have never loved truly a man in my 21 year old life. but i did have strong passion, obsession. i wouldnt want to sound selfish, but men find me attractive and interesting. i have enough attention from them. but its always the same, at the beginning everything is perfect. the guy is going crazy for me, then when i open my heart, when i start having feelings for a person, everything falls apart...and i end up being hurt.

my last relationship with a german guy seemed to be quiet and lovely, caring and a person seeking love after all my crazy nightmares with guys. in past i suffered a lot from men who honeslty were not worth even thinking about. even this relationship didnt last long tho. he treated me like a queen first. but then something happened, in just 3 weeks, he changed soo radically. i believe it was an influence of his best friend, other friends he is hanging around with and his ex gf. just a few days before i was about to fly to see him in berlin he told me all his feelings for me are changed, that they faded away. and it could have never got to love. it must stop. btw it was the day before my 21st birthday. i was utterly upset... the worst bday in my life. but i dont understand why my being frank with him, opening my heart to him made his feelings go away? ive realised that im not made for relationships, i cant understand men, i dont knw there language...

my ego is bruised. i want to revenge... but deep down i would wish to put an end to it. however, the only way i can let it go, would be to make him want me back and then say no to it. from my past experience, all i knw that, in this case id indeed be able to let it all go.

i know i told so little and what i wrote was probably confusing...but is there anything ud recommend? or what can u comment?

Niks, you are very young, i think everyone went through something similar for years and years until they grew up, even guys (especially guys).  These are useful experiences, hopefully they teach you what you think you deserve, and how to read men AHEAD of time.  But you have to put in effort instead of giving up and getting discouraged, thinking about revenge - those things prevent you from getting better at this stuff.

The secret for a modern woman to grow up and realize what she is worth is to learn to be ok by yourself, independently.  Good relationships (in my experience) are not found on purpose, they find you when you are ready.   Especially, since you say you've got a lot going for you, you say men give you attention.  That's not going away any time soon, there is no rush, good friends/family are WAY more important in the modern world at your age.

The way I see it, the biggest problem here is impatience, and selling yourself short.

Maybe the ladies here will give you better advice,  but that's the way I see it. 

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"Я это понимаю на рациональном уровне, но не могу принять на эмоциональном" --Бизнесмен Борис Березовский

Niks,

21 is just so begining! Most likely you date the guys close to your age and men at 25 are so far from maturity. Egor is right enjoy hang outs, have fun and don't think long-term!

I wish I'd be 21 again :)

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oh...well i know ill forget it sooner or later. but very often i feel like im a freak :-( bcs i cant take that he did something like that.

Niks,

I'm sorry that this happened to you; it's never a pleasant experience having your heart broken.  There could be a lot of external factors that lead to a sudden break-up that you may not ever be aware of.  But if you find yourself in the same situation time and time again, try observing your own behavior to see if you might have a pattern in a relationships which guys may not be too fond of, like clinginess, oversharing, etc (not saying you have any of these, just as an example).

I agree with Egor - you have to feel comfortable on your own before you can get into a successful relationship.  I also wouldn't recommend revenge.  Although it may provide some form of closure and satisfaction at his misery, all the planning and plotting will prevent you from moving on.  Try to focus your energies on the future, not the past.  You can also take some time to focus on yourself - take a class you've always wanted, or join a group you want to be a part of.  Just remember that a relationship should be reciprocal.  If it's a one-sided commitment, it isn't a relationship you want to be in anyway. 

Good luck.

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It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye

TallSally:

Niks,

men at 25 are so far from maturity

nor are they at 45 in some cases.... ;)

TallSally:

I wish I'd be 21 again :)

Isn't that the truth.  I'd only do it again if I could know what I know now though.  I don't think I could survive making the same mistakes again.

I wish I was 21 again.   But I'm with Leah, I would want what I've learned in life to go back with me.   So many things we'd all do different..... sigh........

 

niks,  good advice from all here.  And speaking to you as a man with 3 daughters, 25 isn't nearly mature enough.  I know.  I've seen plenty.  For some reason most guys at 25 simply aren't mature enough,  don't know why.  Maybe they are all able to hide under thier mother's skirts longer or something.   You didn't say, but are you from Atlanta or nearby?   You mentioned you were flying to Berlin to see him.   Was this an internet relationship?

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Make each day count to improve yourself and those around you

well he is actually 23, not 25... i am 21. he is german. i live in london tho. we met on the internet, but he came to see me twice, then i traveled to see him and that was it. i so didnt want anything to happen between us, however, i couldnt resist and he was so serious :-( but when i trusted him myself, he just run away. his words when he broke up with me were: u are a lovely girl, i was very hapy with you. i like u a lot, but it never got to love. he said i treated him very nicely. etc." u knw guys he has got a bit dark history of childhood. he is a person who lives with venom and anger inside. he hates his own father, even wants him dead...he has no idea about what compassion is. also he deadly hates his ex gf, but he is acting like she is his friend...he is being two-faced with her. there are many strange things about him. i dont know myself why i was attracted to him. i am the person full of life, full of energy, emotions, passion. and he is the total opposite. he is what russians call, ZANUDA, in sooo many cases. besides he has been in the german army since he was 17. oh...i was just attracted to the stability i saw in him. also i guess i was fooled by believing in what he told me. he was telling me fibs apparently about his desire for a long-term relationship, his dream to move in with me, or if he had a chance and not his army, he would move to london. God...deep down i didnt believe it 100%, but it was nice to hear such things. was i naive? :-(  

How in the world did you end up on an Atlanta forum, living in London? :)  Come on you'll have all the time to be serious when you hit 30 or so, just forget all this tragic stuff, it's all irrelevant in the big picture of things.  Enjoy it while you can :)  Tell this guy to screw himself and go have fun with his friend or something :)  He'll come back with his tail between his legs, and if not who cares anyway :)  Just be safe though :)

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reading this story explains why older dudes start going after much younger females. This innocence - wow, so inspiring!!

 

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"Чем меньше женщину мы любим, тем больше нравимся мы ей." Я думаю, что это высказывание лучше описывает мужчин нежели женщин. Куртизанки в своё время знали, что мужчине надо позволять любить себя так, чтобы он всегда чувствовал, что далеко не всё ешё покорено и познано.

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"Some say the Muses are nine: how careless! Look, there's Sappho too, from Lesbos, the tenth." Plato

I recommend therapy for the poor girl.  If she is this bad off at 19, she will be institutionalized by the time she is 40.

Sweetheart, to answer your question about what's going on in the mind of young men - it's all about penetration.  He being the 'penetrator' and you being the 'penetratee'.

Right about the time he has added your name to his mental chalk board of conquests (but shortly after that 'new shine' has worn off the sex), you are starting to wonder if he might be the one.  The man who will love you for who you are.  The man that will commit to you.  The problem with this thinking is that you are assuming he has developed an emotional side at that young age.  The cold hard truth is he sees you as a physical need.  A sexy body.  He could really care less about what's going on in that estrogen-soaked brain of yours.  His testosterone is in overdrive, and any talk that might prevent him from spreading the seed to new conquests is unwelcome.

Now, as men get older we do develop feelings, emotions, and the ability to commit to a woman and love her forever.  The down side is that we also become really good at lying to make you think you might be the one, when really, we have started on our third chalk board of conquests. 

I guess my only advice to you, since you are the sensitive type, is to not sleep with men until you really truly believe you do understand what is going on in their heads.  Try asking lots of questions before you have sex with somebody.  That means going on more than 3 dates before you sleep with them.  That will weed out the guys that just want you for sex.

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"Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable."

JB, i think number 3 (of dates) is overrated. i can wait for 20 dates just to get laid with one particular female (if she's really hot and i want her for sex only)... and i can tell stories and keep it cool...

but (check it out), if i am interested in someone in a serious way, and they decide to make me wait, i direct my interest elsewhere. reasoning is simple: she makes me wait = her biology instinctively does not except me as a viable evolutionary option = i'm wasting my time and hers. So I move on.

experience shows that if a woman is truly interested she won't make you wait. or let me put it differently: she will "help" you conquer her. maybe in a subtle way, but she will help. If you are not an idiot you'll get the clues. this is because her brain is biologically programmed to avoid screw ups (such as missing the chance of copulating with the biologically "right" male, etc...)

fluctuations from average are possible but rare.

 as far as falling for jerks, bad boys, etc... there is no contradiction there, cuz jerks and bad boys is where variability of our species occurs. Mother nature knows what she's doing:-) jerks and bad boys is what gives evolution the much needed kicks in the nuts to proceed. So, I'd say, Niks is simply following mother nature's orders, without even realizing that. A very natural thing to do, in my opinion.

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Pom, I like your writing.

And I would go back to 21 even with no present experience. Life was gorgeous :)!

Niks, men like buses, they see you, they stop and when you are on bus station they aways will come!! And back and back again. Relax, the right guy will show up at 30 and now just enjoy :)

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Completely agree w Pom, except for the "if i just want her for sex" part.  After about the age of 25, I realized that's just not worth it at all.  Few things in life are more overrated. :)

But in a serious relationship, if she still wants to play these games, its just not going to work out.  Men (in the classical meaning of the word), can just go cheat if they are not getting full devotion (among other things) at home.  The desire to "conquer" cannot apply to your freaking life partner, it applies to initial desire for procreation only.  Imho, of course.

 

 

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"Я это понимаю на рациональном уровне, но не могу принять на эмоциональном" --Бизнесмен Борис Березовский